I told him, "Just leave me in the garage," but you know Andrew — he just wouldn't listen.
Yeah, it's me, Dodge Charger. Did you recognize me by my muscles or my throaty exhaust? Yeah, I get that a lot.
Anyway, Andy and I spent a lot of time together during the mayoral campaign. Like, when he and I first got together, he lived in Purchase and we'd spend hours tooling around the state. Those were the good old days, you know, the days when you think the honeymoon will never end. It's like that old Chuck Berry song. He pushed my button and made me sing.
Then he moved to Sutton Place with this idea that he wanted to be mayor. I said, "Great. I'll be here when you get back." But no, he took me everywhere — like I'm some kind of trophy wife. Every day, he took me out: driving to a union hall in the Village. Driving to another union hall in Tribeca (and blowing through a stop sign, which is a real dick move, even I gotta say). And that time he ran the red light? He had driven me from the far East Side to ... a little less far on the very same East Side. I swear this is not my fault. I don't like to be one of those, "I told ya so..." guys, but this is what it's come to.
And always with the speeding. Now, you know me: I'm a proud Charger. My dad was Dodge Charger. My grandfather was Dodge Charger. And his father was Dodge Charger. I've got 345 horses under the hood, and you can't rein in those ponies.
But I told Andy, "Slow down. What's the rush? You're running for mayor, fine, but you're not speeding for mayor." But he wouldn't listen. We got two speeding tickets on the West Side Highway on March 28. Streetsblog wrote it up, and I put it right there on the dashboard for him to see, but he just chortled and said, "That rag?! Who cares what Streetsblog thinks?"
But then he got two more speeding tickets, one on April 27 and another on May 2. And the media pounced again. I kept saying, "Andy, baby, we'll always have the Taconic. But when we're in town, let's not send pedestrians scurrying in fear like they saw George Pataki. We're trying to win hearts and minds here, not cause heart attacks." And by the way, just between you and me: He got another ticket on June 15 that no one has reported on yet. It's in the city records though:
Now, in fairness to me, Andy had a lot of other baggage than me. He created a hostile work environment when he was governor, treated women staffers horrendously. He stole money from the MTA to prop up some upstate ski resorts. He played Democrats off of each other to gain leverage. I mean, the guy's a bully.
But that kind of stuff didn't come up much in the campaign. But I did. And it's not like Andy could go unnoticed driving a muscle car like me around. I'm kinda hot. Even Jon Orcutt checked me out once when I flew past him one day and I know his bike saw him look, like that meme of the guy checking out a woman even though he's walking with an identical woman. Don't deny it, Jon, we both knew what we felt.
But other candidates were noticing Andy's recklessness. After he got that fourth speeding ticket, Brad Lander — that pipsqueak with the deliverista helmet sweating on his Citi Bike — called him out. I don't mind that, I guess, but why did he have to mention me?
"[It's] mode rage, [which is] a take off on road rage," Lander said. "Your transportation does say a lot about you. His style of leadership is like using his finger to poke people in the chest. He imagines himself behind the wheel, but most New Yorkers take the subway or take the bus and need a mayor who thinks like they do and is in it for them, not just in it for his own ego. But that’s what Cuomo shows us every day."
Ego? Well, I guess the shoe fits. What do you expect when I'm literally marketed by Mr. Chrysler as "the top of the food chain" and "the face of your [meaning everyone else's] nightmare."
But even if you're a gear head, you can still champion sustainable transportation, right? But you know Andy. He said early in the campaign that he would put out a comprehensive transportation plan, but he never got around to it (I guess we spent too much time driving over the Cuomo Bridge singing, "Born to Be Wild" with the windows down.)
Meanwhile, that Mondani guy — like Andy, I can never get names of guys from Astoria right! — was going around town on the subway, the bus, and even on his two feet. Who does that ... I mean, except for 90 percent of the New Yorkers he wants to represent?! And he had well-thought-out plans for making streets safer. All Andy had was a million bucks from DoorDash and a fever dream of getting rid of e-bikes. (Sure, I hate those damn two-wheeled paparazzi myself, but I'm a car! I'm not running for office!).
Mondani's strategy paid off. Janno Lieber entered the MTA Board meeting on Wednesday with a smile on his face bigger than the ones that Bo and Luke Duke sported when they drove my great grandpappy around Hazzard County.
"New York has an incredibly dynamic and effective transit advocacy community," he told reporters (Andy had the livestream on in the car). "It's one thing that's different in New York than many other places. Transit advocacy groups have supplanted the old ... groups, and that's great for transit."
Was he taking a shot at Andy? Does the Pope shit all over the air when he's driving me? Of course.
I may be 4,221 pounds of steel, plastic and foreign-made parts, but even I have to tip my hat to Mondani for targeting the young, transit-using vote. Bus riders love him because he wants to make buses "fast and free." (I don't think Andy has been on a bus since he was a kid. OK, maybe he took a shuttle bus from the parking lot to the Jones Beach theater for that Beach Boys reunion concert.)
"Like no other leader, Zohran Mamdani championed transit riders' needs at every turn. He made our needs central to his vision for New York City. When he won, so did we," Riders Alliance Executive Director Betsy Plum said on Wednesday. She called Mondani's plan "bold" and "joyful" and "reliable."
Hey, those are words that are usually used to describe me?! And now I'm on the wrong side of history because Andy thinks I'm the best way to get around a city?! I told the guy, leave me in the garage when we're in the Big Apple!
Man, Streetsblog is going to have a field day with this.
