The Onion: Feds Unveil $270 Billion Program for Bad Drivers

From the Onion via Planetizen’s Friday Funny:

Secretary of Transportation Mary Peters unveiled a new $270 billion federal project Monday to build special lanes for dangerous and careless drivers on most major U.S. highways.

"These new lanes are for the millions of drivers who can’t be bothered with speed limits, turn signal use, or not careening madly out into oncoming traffic," Peters said during the opening ceremony for the first reckless-driving route, a steeply banked, guardrail-lined on-ramp to I-395 outside Arlington, VA. "Whether hell-bent on putting themselves and everyone around them in danger or just drunk off their gourds and out for a simple joyride, America’s reckless will no longer be forced to putter along with careful, conscientious, considerate citizens."

Peters then cut the ribbon on the inaugural lane by speeding through it in a rusted-out 1984 Chevy Cavalier, steering with her knees as her left hand held a cup of hot coffee aloft and her right hand slapped her 4-year-old daughter sitting in the back seat.

Read on… 

  • Braddy

    It’s a little early for April Fool’s Day.

  • Mark

    “Special lanes for dangerous and careless drivers.” Or as we refer to them in New York, “the streets.”

  • That’s The Onion, where every day is April Fool’s Day…

  • Spud Spudly

    They could have used a Reckless Drivers Lane on the NYS Thruway yesterday. There were an amazing numnber of [mostly SUV] drivers tailgating at over 80 MPH. And they’re worse when you get a bunch of them together and they form an SUV motorcade in the left lane, 7 or 8 trucks on top of each other driving like they’re transporting the president through Mogadishu. If people want to drive for sport they should go to a track.


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