Cuomo: I’ll Wrap Move NY After I Personally Collar the Killers

Citing the pressures of overseeing the manhunt for the two escaped Dannemora Prison convicts, Governor Andrew Cuomo today announced a suspension of negotiations to write and enact legislation implementing the Move NY toll reform plan.

cuomo_cop
“I’ll pay attention to the transit system that millions of people depend on as soon as I frog-march these two bad guys.”

“We were tantalizingly close to finalizing the bill,” the governor said from his North Country command post, “but they say the devil is in the details, and we’ve got to get this right.” Cuomo said he has instructed Assembly Speaker Carl Heastie and Senate Majority Leader John Flanagan to be on call to convene a special session to take up the toll legislation once the regular session adjourns next week.

“Contrary to what you may have read in the papers, I have no higher priority than to assure full funding for the MTA capital plan,” said the governor via satellite from an undisclosed location believed to be in upstate Clinton County. “The Move NY plan looks like the ticket to get us over the goal line while untangling traffic and curing toll inequities dating back a half-century,” he added, pledging to “get this done” before the July 4 holiday.

“But first,” he said, “I have to personally put these two criminals back behind bars.”

Cuomo brushed aside a suggestion that all his manhunt-related appearances would have no actual effect on the capture of the two escapees, while shifting his attention immediately to the MTA could profoundly improve the lives of millions of transit riders and strengthen the economic prospects of the entire state. “Can I fix downstate travel while keeping upstate safe?” Cuomo asked rhetorically. “Just watch.”

“With Move NY and a fully funded capital plan, we’ll transform upstate’s economy from prisons to pricing,” he predicted, signaling that the digital tolling system as well as new buses and train cars would be manufactured in the North Country.

“We’re gonna E-ZPass the killers straight into solitary,” said Cuomo, “and then bust the gap in the capital plan.”

  • Jeff

    Is it June 11 Fools Day already?

  • Brendan A. MacWade

    This prison break has really displayed how much of an asshole Andrew Cuomo is. A corrupt, lying, pro-one-percent asshole. I hope the prisoners make it to Canada.

  • Alexander Vucelic

    the Move NYC plan estimates 100,000 fewer private cars entering Manhatten every business day !

    Imagine the possibilities

  • Dave

    Now watch this drive!

    -Cuomo

  • I don’t wish any success to the prisoners. But the governor has a knack of discovering belatedly that state-run agencies he’s been neglecting have been behaving like neglected state-run agencies. It happened with the MTA in 2011 and Long Island Power Authority after Sandy. It can make his efforts to sweep in and sort out the mess look a little bit unconvincing.

  • ToastPatterson

    This is good satire.

  • Simon Phearson

    Considering the other legislative items he’s neglecting outside of transit, it really looks to me like he felt like taking a vacation from pretending to work, and the prison break gave him a fantastic opportunity.

  • com63

    You had me fooled until the last few paragraphs

  • JudenChino

    If you’re a regular reader, then this should’ve given it away:

    “Contrary to what you may have read in the papers, I have no higher priority than to assure full funding for the MTA capital plan,”

  • com63

    Yep. I was already in disbelief after reading that. I still want to hope that politicians will do the right thing in the end.

  • Brendan A. MacWade

    It is his USS Abraham Lincoln moment. Mario Cuomo: Bounty Hunter. Mission Accomplished! Independence Day!

  • KeNYC2030

    If Cuomo funded the prisons like he does the MTA, he’d be chasing down half the state’s murderers, not just two.

  • stairbob

    THERE WILL BE ROOM FOR HUNDREDS OF MORE SHARROWS!!!!

  • Flakker

    CUOMO: Remember, Matt, when I promised to kill you last?

    MATT: That’s right, Cuomo! You did!

    CUOMO: I lied. [drops Matt, who falls to his death in beautiful Ausable Chasm, one of over 1,000 great tourist destinations right here in New York State]

    [after returning to car]
    KATHY HOCHUL:
    What happened to Matt?

    CUOMO:
    I let him go.

  • foody4booty

    Sorry if i missed the boat on this, but when did he come out for the MoveNY plan? That seems like a big deal.

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